I'm 17 years old, and for a while currently the just reason I continue to live has been the suicide barrier roughly the Aurora Bridge in Seattle. I have actually no friends, no abilities, nothing to store me occupied except my severe stress, depression, OCD and also ADD.
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While I am occasionally affiliated in social situations, the outcome of these is, inevitably, complete humiliation. Sometimes I say things that are so imperhaps stupid that they make everyone else roughly feel uncomfortable, however many of the moment i say nopoint at all. It takes me days of intense rumination to "acquire over" each succeeding embarrassment - which in this instance means that I ultimately become simply also tired to keeping reasoning around it, at least till the cycle starts aobtain.
The one point I desperately require, a relationship, is totally unattainable due to my physical ugliness and also social awkwardness. All the experiencing would certainly simply wash ameans if someone were to love me, yet that could love someone that spends a number of nights a week sobbing and tearing at their hair due to intense self-loapoint and loneliness? I've never kissed anyone, never known of anyone who had actually non-platonic feelings towards me, and yet the only point that might make me want to live is a girlfrifinish. What a fuckin' combination.
I have one "friend", the air quotes coming from the truth that I am constantly the one to contact him and also never the various other method roughly. Today he told me about a party he had actually at his house last night, that i was of course not invited to, which put me with yet an additional wave of despair. There are many human being who fawn over him and also love him - i recognize this from the suffer of being around him and his friends, that are constantly complimenting him. He has actually a number of girlfriends (I expect that literally, he's polyamorous), and there is no worse feeling in the human being than seeing them give him bottomless physical and emotional affection. And all of my intense jealousy renders me feel prefer i deserve everything shitty about my life.
I desire to be a journalist, yet my brain will certainly never let me sit down and compose something systematic except suicide notes. It's choose the neurons simply refusage to fire in the exact same direction for more than 5 minutes unmuch less it's my troubles I'm concentrating on. I've tried eexceptionally ADD drug conceivable, too. My paleas pretty much perform my schooljob-related for me bereason i just start crying and also provide up eextremely time i attempt to do it. Is tright here anyone else out tright here as pathetic as that?
I'm so fucking angry all the moment and I can't number out if it's myself or the world or both I'm mad at. I try as hard as I maybe have the right to to be a good perkid, yet I must not be trying hard enough, if nobody desires to be roughly me. This isn't short-term teen angst; I've never before been anypoint in my life yet a lonely, bullied, insecure wreck.
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I simply want to be at peace, cost-free from the crippling anxiety and despair I face everywhere I go. But of the three suicide methods that seem to actually occupational in a simple, quick, and also painmuch less way (guns, barbiturates, and also a fall from good height) are all just as difficult for me as happiness. I live exceptionally close to the previously second-most-well-known self-destruction spot in the U.S., the Aurora Bridge, yet you suicide-prevention fuckers and your ugly-ass $5 million fence nixed that choice. I want to die and I deserve to die, so why can't I? No really, I'm curious. Exordinary yourselves.