These words are from the chorus of a song by Stars referred to as “Your Ex-Lover is Dead”. I recommfinish you listen to it (while you read this, if you’d like).
You are watching: Live through this and you won t look back
I was around 4 months with my initially suffer of depression in 2012 — it wregarding last 5 months in complete and also stopped me from working. I listened to this song that I loved, which I hadn’t touched in ages (I stopped listening to music, and analysis, and writing, and everything). When it got to this line, “live with this and you won’t look back”, I cried. For the first time in day after day after week after month of numbness — a numbing feeling so intense I had actually forgotten how it felt to feel — after all that time, I cried. They say that as soon as you’re depressed you cry all the moment and also often when you start crying you don’t stop. That’s not my experience — my suffer was that nopoint controlled to permeate deep sufficient below my skin to produce any type of type of eactivity. Not happiness, not sadness, just emptiness.
I cried bereason I had actually invested practically eexceptionally day for the past 4 months wishing I were dead. I didn’t desire to commit suicide (though of course it came to be a back-up plan) however I sure as hell didn’t desire to be here anymore. I would spfinish numerous minutes reasoning “if only tbelow was a big red button I could push that would end it all”; I kbrand-new that I wouldn’t hesitate for a minute in pushing it. I had never before ever dreamed I would be that perkid and also the knowledge that I was was part of what brought me to tears.
I didn’t desire to be dead yet I wanted my old life ago and also I didn’t recognize if I could cope with this life — that is, the life of a depressed person who harboured so a lot self-loathing that she couldn’t bear to leave the house. But I didn’t understand how to make the journey from “brand-new me” to “old me”. I barely kbrand-new just how to take the first step let alone fight for it eincredibly day — and that’s what it is, a fucking fight. To me, ending it all seemed favor the ideal, possibly the only, choice. And in the absence of having the balls to perform it (because I didn’t), fantasising about it was the next ideal choice. My big red button, if only it would appear.
I cried partly out of confusion. Though it may be tough to imagine, 4 months into a depressive episode that would certainly last five months, I still didn’t understand what was wrong via me. Yes, I had actually ended up in hospital because of severe panic strikes that I didn’t know were panic attacks but felt so painful I assumed I was dying. Yes, they had actually told me they were panic strikes, asked me some concerns and sent out me home via some anti-depressants and some incredibly solid and also addictive drugs to relax me.
But as the weeks and also months extended on, I didn’t feel sure. My mind, my fucked-up-by-depression-mind, wouldn’t let me think that this wasn’t just all my fault.
I remember being in my bedroom sooner or later, listening to the lyrics of that song by Stars, feeling get rid of with sadness (ultimately, some feeling) at all that I had been with freshly. I had been expfinishing all my energy on just acquiring via the day that I’d never stepped earlier and looked at the bigger image. Someone that was so alien to the concept of suicide, currently so supplied to fantasising around it for myself every day. I remember reasoning in that moment: “if, Jacquelyn, you acquire via this and it transforms out to have actually been a significant time for you, you will certainly never before ever look ago on this”. You will never ever before discover yourself below aget, you will never need think of it aget.
How wrong I was. I didn’t know just how considerable it would be — in fact it’s laughable that I thought it can not be. Nor did I know that depression would certainly be mine to live virtually each year for the following six years. As for looking ago, I’ve looked ago virtually every day. I can’t help it. I can’t sepaprice myself from the memory of the 5 depressive episodes I’ve been with, at times lasting for ten months. I can’t stop looking earlier, also though I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I message my therapist often (probably the boundaries tright here aren’t as rigid as they must be, I’ll give you that one). Frequently it’ll be my thoughts on depression — on a societal level, on a medical and healthcare level (and also my limited understanding therein) and also on an individual level, as it applies to my life. They’re commonly reasonably cynical and also not altogether positive thoughts that I share, however constantly on depression and mental health. I frequently wonder: Jesus, Jacs, what if she’s just thinking — oh for goodness sake, simply obtain on and also gain over it. You’ve acquired a life to live that isn’t tinged through sadness and the memories of your darkest days. Like I’m some rag that’s been tea-stained round the edges and I refuse to obtain cleaned up. She would certainly never think that, yet maybe I think that of myself. Should I just get on and also move on?
“Live via this, and you won’t look back”. But I continue to look back. I’ve composed before that I “discover a lightness of the soul in the darkness of the mind”. There is something around showing on that empty not-quite-sadness-but-there’s-no-other-way-to-describe-it absence of feeling that depression brings that provides me feel more finish. As though reasoning about it profoundly, taking myself to the edge of it and also peering over and in, now fortunate sufficient not to be feeling its hold within me any longer, grants me wholeness. Like it’s connecting with another component of me that I have for so long tried to ignore and forget and criticise relentlessly. It’s making my method along a lengthy route of being at tranquility with it. I don’t understand if there’s an finish to that journey yet I feel I’m on it — lastly. And it’s by being brave sufficient to look ago even when it hurts.
That hurt originates from all directions occasionally, yet often it’s bereason I think tbelow were avenues to capitalise on critical landmarks, where somepoint might have been done — and also in my situation, never was. One of many kind of sharp barbs I prefer to stick in myself from time to time, when it comes to my mental wellness. The belief that “I could have and have to have done something but I didn’t. I might have actually done better”. Well, that’s the various other point about looking ago. It’s a time to be proud, also once you want to look back and also do nopoint yet beprice yourself and also tell yourself you were shit. I feel this pull eincredibly time I think around my previous experiences through mental ill-health and wellness however I’m trying to adjust the narrative. By thinking about it and also reading around it and also speaking to others around it, I’m gradually teaching myself to just be proud — I was there and now I’m not. Who else’s doing is that, if not my own?
That song, by Stars, will forever before have the power to lug me to tears — and remind me of the time that I cried when I felt that I could never cry again. That song reminds me that I’ve looked depression — and also all its horrible effects — in the challenge and I have got to a allude wright here I’m able to reflect on my experiences via a pride that rather counters my sadness and also lack of self-forgiveness till currently. For me, looking ago to my past is how I’ll battle and also endure my future.
I have to point out, there’s an additional few lines in that song too that I think about:
“I’m not sorry I met youI’m not sorry it’s overI’m not sorry there’s nothing to save”
As I continue to look earlier on depression, when I didn’t think I ever would or could, I’ll feel just that — I’m not sorry it taken place, yet I’m certainly not sorry it’s done and that there is nothing of it left. Just my memories — and also those are my fire.
If you’re struggling via depression or anypoint I’ve touched on in this write-up, please stop to someone — and also my DMs are constantly open up on twitter.
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