I typed this into Google a year back, my hands shaking as I questioned what I meant. I didn’t want to be alive or exist anyeven more. But at the exact same time, I didn’t rather desire to die.

I felt selfish as I typed it, reasoning around all of the human being that had actually been suicidal, worrying that I was being disrespectful to those who had actually shed their lives that method. I also wondered whether I was just being dramatic.

But I pressed enter anymeans, despeprice to uncover a solution for what I was feeling. To my surprise, I was met with search after search of the precise very same question.

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t desire to exist,” read one.

“I’m suicidal yet I don’t want to die,” review another.

And then I realized: I’m not being silly. I’m not being stupid or melodramatic or attention-seeking. Tbelow were so many type of other world feeling the exact same means. And for the first time, I didn’t feel rather so alone.

But I still felt what I felt. I felt distant from the people and from myself; my life felt nearly as though it were on autopilot.

I was mindful of my existence, however I wasn’t really experiencing it. It felt favor I had actually end up being sepaprice from my very own self, as though a component of me was just watching my body go via the activities. Daily routines favor getting up, making the bed, and also working the day away felt practically mechanical. I was in a toxic relationship and greatly depressed.

My life had become repeated and also, in many methods, unbearable.

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I started to imagine what people’s resides would be prefer without me in it. I wondered what would certainly happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.

But tright here was one thing contradicting that: I was scared to die.

So many type of concerns would certainly run through my head as soon as I assumed around actually finishing my life.

What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went appropriate, however in the last few moments of my life I realized I had actually made a mistake and regretted it? What precisely happens after I die? What happens to the civilization about me? Could I execute that to my family? Would human being miss me?

And these inquiries would certainly eventually lead me to the question, carry out I really want to die?

The answer, deep dvery own, was no. And so I held on to that to save me going, that bit glimmer of uncertainty eexceptionally time I believed about ending my life. If that tiny bit of unease was still tright here, tbelow was a chance I’d be making the wrong decision.

Tbelow was a chance that a component of me assumed that points can acquire better.

But it wasn’t going to be straightforward. Things had been going downhill for a long time. I had been enduring through severe tension brought about by PTSD for several months, which had escalated to daily panic assaults. I skilled a continuous feeling of dread in my stomach, stress and anxiety headaches, body tremors, and nausea.


That’s as soon as whatever went numb. It was a huge turning allude, going from feeling every little thing at once to feeling nopoint at all.

And, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined through the very same daily regimen and also toxic connection, made my life feel utterly worthless. At the finish of my rope, I turned to Google. No one ever really defined how to cope via suicidal ideation, specifically as soon as you don’t really want to die.

Scrolling via write-up after article, I realized that actually, many human being construed. A lot of human being knew what it was like to not want to be below anymore however not desire to die.

We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers intended we wanted to understand what to carry out via our feelings rather of finishing our lives.


And perhaps, I hoped, that meant that deep dvery own, we all wanted to host on to watch if points might get much better. And that we could.

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My mind had actually been clouded by the stress, despair, monotony, and a connection that was slowly damaging me. And because I had actually felt so low, so numb and empty, I hadn’t actually taken a step aside to really and also truly look at this. To look at just how things might acquire much better if I attempted to make alters.

The reason I assumed I was simply existing was bereason I really was. I was miserable and I was stuck. But I hadn’t picked acomponent my life to realize why.

I can’t say that in at some point everything adjusted, bereason it didn’t. But I did start to make changes. I started to watch a therapist, that aided me obtain some perspective. My toxic partnership ended. I was devadeclared about it, however things boosted so quickly as I began to exercise my independence.

Yes, I still obtained up every morning and made the bed, however the rest of the day would be at my hands, and slowly yet surely, that began to expoint out me. I think a substantial part of feeling as though I was just some develop of existence was bereason my life was so predictable. Now that that had actually been taken away, every little thing appeared brand-new and interesting.

With time, I felt favor I was living aobtain, and also a lot of importantly, that I had actually and have a life worth living.


But understanding that I acquired with this truly tough time in my life gives me the inspiration to acquire with any kind of other poor moments aget. It’s provided me the stamina and determicountry to bring on.

And despite the way I was feeling at the moment, I’m so glad I Googled that question. I’m so glad I realized I wasn’t alone. And I’m so glad I trusted that unease once it came to the concept of taking my very own life. Because that unease led me to living a life I’m actually happy to be living.

What I desire you to recognize — particularly if, choose me, you found yourself right here through a Google search or a headline that captured your attention at the best time — is this: No matter exactly how lonely or awful you feel, please know that you’re not alone.

I’m not going to tell you it isn’t a horrible, scary feeling. I understand that better than the majority of. But I promise you things deserve to and regularly do get better. You just have to organize on to that doubt, but little it can be. That doubt is tbelow for a reason: There’s a critical component of you that knows your life isn’t over yet.

And speaking from endure, I can ascertain you that little, nagging feeling is informing you the truth. There’s a future you who will certainly be so glad you listened.


Hattie Gladwell is a mental wellness journalist, author, and also advocate. She writes around mental illness in wishes of diminishing the stigma and to encourage others to sheight out.